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Leaving Safely
If you're thinking about leaving an unsafe or abusive relationship, planning ahead can help you do it more safely and reduce risk. You don't have to be ready to leave right now to start preparing. Many women start small, building up what they need gradually so that when the time comes, they're ready.
A few important things to know:
You do not need permission to leave a relationship that feels unsafe, controlling or harmful
You do not need to wait for physical violence for the situation to be serious
You can start preparing even if you are not ready to leave yet
Small steps can make a big difference to your safety
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
For confidential support in Queensland, contact DVConnect on 1800 811 811, 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or use The Handy Guide service directory to find support services, housing help, legal support and practical assistance near you.
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How to plan your next steps when you’re ready to leave
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as simple as deciding to go. For many women, it involves weighing up safety, housing, money, children, pets, digital privacy and what might happen if the other person finds out.
That doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It just means you need a plan that matches your situation and helps you move more safely. For some, the plan comes together over time, with small steps taken across days, weeks or months. For others, leaving happens quickly because the risk has escalated. The safest approach is the one that suits your circumstances and reduces your risk wherever possible.
Remember that whatever your situation looks like, you are allowed to leave, whether you’re dating or married, whether you share finances or nothing at all, whether things feel obviously unsafe or just not quite right. Many women hesitate because they feel they need more certainty or a perfectly mapped-out exit plan, but in reality, leaving often happens in imperfect conditions.
You don’t need to have everything figured out. You just need to start thinking about what would make you safer, and take it one step at a time.
Why leaving can be the most dangerous time
Abuse is often about power and control, and when that control is challenged, behaviour can escalate. This could be through increased monitoring, threats, stalking, technology abuse, financial sabotage, pressure involving children or pets, or attempts to isolate you further.
Leaving should be approached carefully. You might already be weighing up safety concerns, like where you would go, how you would manage financially, whether you might be followed, what it means for your children or pets, or whether your phone or accounts are being checked. You may also be wondering what happens if you leave and then need to return.
A good plan can help reduce that uncertainty and give you options. Even if you are not ready to use it yet, having a plan can help you feel more in control.
Making a safety plan
A safety plan is a personalised, practical plan that helps you stay as safe as possible if you’re experiencing abuse. It can support you while you are still in the relationship, while you are preparing to leave, or after you have left. It’s about helping you to think ahead and know what you would do if you needed to act quickly.
While it will look different for everyone, a safety plan often includes a mix of practical steps and preparation, such as:
Knowing who you could contact in an emergency
Identifying a safe place you could go at short notice
Thinking through how you would leave the house safely
Protecting your phone, accounts and location
Gathering or copying important documents and medications
Planning for children or pets
Setting aside small amounts of money, if it’s safe to do so
Keeping spare keys or essential items accessible
Packing an emergency bag, or knowing exactly what you would take
Agreeing on a code word with someone you trust
Telling at least one safe person what is happening
Make sure that your plan feels realistic for your situation and, importantly, that it can be kept private.
Read more: How to make a safety plan for leaving an abusive relationship
A step-by-step guide to building a personalised safety plan, protecting your privacy and preparing to leave more safely.
Keeping your information safe
Many women planning to leave may also be dealing with some form of surveillance or monitoring, whether that’s through devices, accounts or everyday communication. Because of this, protecting your information can be just as important as deciding where to go.
Think about how your digital life is being accessed. That might include whether your phone, laptop or tablet is checked, whether location sharing is turned on, or whether passwords have been shared or changed without your knowledge. In some cases, access can extend to email, cloud storage or banking apps, which can make it easier for someone to monitor your activity or movements.
You might also notice smaller signs, like someone knowing things you haven’t told them, questioning your movements, or devices behaving differently. In some situations, tracking devices can be hidden in cars, bags or personal items.
If something feels off, it’s worth taking that seriously. Technology-facilitated abuse is common and can continue even after a relationship ends. If you are worried your devices, car or accounts may be monitored, it is important to include digital safety in your plan too.
Learn how specialist digital safety assessments can identify surveillance risks and help women leave more safely.
Leaving with children
For many women, leaving means trying to protect themselves and their children while also keeping up with their children’s day-to-day needs, managing money, navigating legal questions and confronting the reality that the other parent may use the children as a way to maintain control.
Importantly, children do not need to be directly harmed to be affected by abuse. Living in a home shaped by fear, intimidation or control can have lasting impacts, which is why planning carefully matters.
As you think about leaving, it can help to consider:
Where you and the children could stay safely
Who is authorised to collect them from school or childcare
Whether the school or daycare needs to be told about safety concerns
Whether important documents like birth certificates, Medicare cards or medication are easy to access
Whether the other parent has access to tracking apps, shared calendars or devices
Whether you need legal advice before or soon after leaving
Once you’ve started thinking through these pieces, the next step is to bring in support. Speaking to a domestic violence service or legal service early can help you understand your options and reduce risk.
Leaving with pets
Pets are one of the most common reasons women delay leaving, and for good reason. Abusive partners may threaten to harm pets, neglect them, or use them to maintain control, knowing how hard it can be to leave an animal behind.
This concern is real and valid, and it should be part of your safety planning from the start, not something you try to solve at the last minute.
If you are preparing to leave, it can help to think through a few practical steps:
Who could care for your pet temporarily
Whether a friend, family member or local vet could help
Whether a support service can connect you to pet-friendly accommodation or care
Whether registration and contact details need to be updated
Whether the pet’s food, medication, carrier or paperwork need to be packed
Once you’ve started thinking through these options, the next step is to reach out for support. In Queensland, there are services that can help arrange short-term care for pets while you move to safety, so you’re not forced to choose between your own safety and your animal’s wellbeing.
Read more: What happens to your pets in a domestic violence situation
Understand your options, what support exists and how to include pets in your leaving plan.
Leaving when money is tight
Money is one of the biggest barriers to leaving. Many women are trying to make decisions with little or no savings, limited access to bank accounts, unstable housing, disrupted work, or debts created by the other person.
Financial dependence can make leaving feel out of reach, but it doesn’t mean it is. It usually means the process needs to be more planned and supported.
If you’re in this position, it can help to focus on small steps that build your options over time:
Opening a bank account in your own name, if it’s safe to do so
Gathering or noting down key financial information and documents
Checking what payments, crisis support or financial assistance you may be eligible for
Speaking to a financial counsellor or domestic violence service
Identifying short-term housing or low-cost living options
Planning a simple, essentials-only budget for the first few weeks
If you are financially dependent, the safest time to take action may still be before you leave, while you are gathering information and support.
Read more: How to leave a relationship when you’re financially dependent
Support, housing options and practical advice for women trying to leave with limited money and limited room to move.
Supporting someone you’re worried about
Sometimes recognising abuse doesn’t happen in your own relationship, but in someone else’s.
Perhaps you’ve noticed a friend has gotten quieter, become more withdrawn, or they’re just not quite themselves. Maybe they stop seeing people as often, avoid certain conversations, or seem anxious in ways that are hard to explain.
It’s normal to feel unsure about what to do. You might worry about getting it wrong, overstepping, or making things worse.
You don’t need to have the right words or all the answers. Often, the most helpful thing you can do is notice, check in and listen without judgement.
Some small ways to support someone include:
Gently checking in and letting them know you’ve noticed a change
Listening without trying to fix or solve the situation
Respecting their pace and decisions, even if you don’t fully understand them
Staying connected so they don’t feel isolated
Helping them find support if and when they’re ready
Support doesn’t have to be big or dramatic to matter. Being someone they can trust and return to can make a real difference over time.
Where to get help in Queensland
Once you’ve started thinking through your next steps, bringing in support can make a real difference. You don’t need to have a plan in place before reaching out – that’s something that support services can help you work through.
Speaking to a domestic violence or legal service early can help you understand your options, reduce risk and make decisions that are safer for you and your family. They can support you to:
Create a safety plan that includes your children
Understand your legal position and next steps
Work out what to document and when
Plan how and when to leave safely
Connect you with housing, financial support and school-based support if needed
If you’re not sure where to start, you can explore The Handy Guide service directory to find Queensland-based support, including housing, legal advice and domestic violence services near you.
You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. Even one conversation can help you feel clearer about your next step.
Common questions about leaving safely
What is the safest way to leave without them knowing?
If you are concerned about how someone might react, it is often safer to prepare quietly.
This might involve gradually organising documents, saving small amounts of money, securing your phone and accounts, and planning where you will go before you leave. Many women choose to leave when the other person is not home, or with support already in place.
You do not need to tell someone you are leaving in order to leave safely.
What should I do before leaving an abusive relationship?
Before leaving, it can help to focus on a few key areas:
Safety planning
Access to money and documents
A safe place to go
Transport options
Digital safety
Support from a trusted person or service
Even small steps, like writing down important numbers or knowing where your documents are, can make a big difference.
What should I pack?
If you can safely prepare an emergency bag, focus on essentials first.
This might include:
Identification and important documents
House and car keys
Medications and prescriptions
Phone and charger
Bank cards or account details
A few clothes and underwear
Children’s essentials
Pet supplies
Cash, if you can safely access it
Important contact numbers written down somewhere safe
If you cannot safely pack a full bag, even knowing where these things are can help. Some women keep copies or small essentials with a trusted person instead.
Where can I go if I leave my partner?
Where you go will depend on your situation and what is safest for you at the time. There isn’t one single pathway, and your options may change depending on urgency, availability and what feels secure.
Some women stay with a trusted friend or family member, especially in the early stages. Others access specialist domestic and family violence services, which can help arrange safe accommodation without you needing to organise it alone.
A support service can help assess your situation and connect you with the safest and most appropriate option. In Queensland, services like DV Connect or Brisbane-based service Hart4000 can coordinate emergency accommodation and guide you through what happens next.
What if I’m not ready to leave yet?
You can still start planning.
A lot of women are not ready to leave immediately, or are not sure when they will be. That does not mean you are doing nothing. Gathering information, opening a bank account, telling one safe person, protecting your devices, saving important numbers and thinking through a plan are all meaningful steps.
Leaving safely often starts long before the day you actually go.