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Recognising Abuse
If you’re questioning whether something in your relationship is okay, it’s worth paying attention to that feeling. Abuse doesn’t always look like physical violence. It can be emotional, financial, digital or based on control.
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
For confidential support in Queensland, contact DVConnect on 1800 811 811, 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or use The Handy Guide service directory to find support services, housing help, legal support and practical assistance near you.
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How to tell if what you’re experiencing isn’t okay
Abuse doesn’t always look the way people expect, and it isn’t always physical. In fact, it often begins in ways that are hard to describe. It could be something said in a conversation that leaves you feeling unsettled, even if you can't quite put your finger on why, or a constant sense that you’re slowly losing confidence in your own judgement.
If you’re here because something in your relationship doesn’t feel right, this page will help you understand what abuse can look like, how it shows up over time, and where to go next if you need support.
What is abuse?
Abuse is any behaviour used to control, manipulate or harm someone in a relationship.
At its core, abuse is not about isolated incidents. It’s about a pattern that prioritises one person’s control at the expense of another’s independence, confidence and sense of safety.
That’s why it can be difficult to recognise. Many people don’t identify what they’re experiencing as abuse at first, particularly when it exists alongside moments of care, calm or normality in between.
Abuse can take many different forms, and they often overlap. Understanding those patterns is crucial to making sense of what you’re experiencing.
Explore: 9 types of abuse – and how to recognise them.
A detailed guide to the most common forms of abuse, including emotional, financial, digital and coercive control, with examples to help you identify patterns in your own situation.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse can involve manipulation, humiliation, gaslighting, isolation or coercive control. Unlike physical violence, it may leave no visible injuries, but the psychological impact can be deep and long-lasting.
Some common signs include:
Doubting your own thoughts or perception
Feeling constantly anxious or like you’re walking on eggshells
Being blamed for things you didn’t cause
Feeling isolated from people you trust
Changing your behaviour to avoid conflict
These experiences don’t need to happen all at once to matter. Over time, they can affect your confidence, your sense of safety and your ability to trust your own judgement.
Read more: Emotional abuse – signs, patterns and tactics
A deeper guide to how emotional abuse shows up in real life, and what steps you can take if something doesn’t feel right.
Coercive control
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate and restrict your independence over time. People often describe it as their world gradually getting smaller, with fewer and fewer choices about what to wear, where to go, who to see, how to spend money, and even how to think or respond.
At first, these behaviours can be easy to dismiss. They might be framed as concern, jealousy or protectiveness. Over time, they can become more frequent and more limiting, making it harder to make decisions freely or stay connected to support.
Some common signs include:
Being monitored or having your movements checked
Feeling restricted in who you can see or where you can go
Losing access to money, transport or communication
Experiencing repeated calls, messages or pressure to respond
Feeling like you have to ask permission for everyday decisions
Coercive control often sits behind other forms of abuse, including emotional and financial abuse. It can be difficult to recognise while it’s happening, but it’s increasingly understood as one of the strongest indicators that abuse may escalate.
Read more: What is coercive control?
Learn how coercive control shows up in relationships, why it can be hard to identify, and what it means for your safety and support options.
Technology abuse
Technology abuse, or digital abuse, is when everyday devices and accounts are used to monitor, track or control you.
Whether it’s a phone behaving strangely, passwords being changed or someone knowing information you didn’t share, it can create a constant sense of being watched or monitored, even when nothing is said directly.
Because so much of life happens online, this kind of abuse can feel difficult to explain or prove. It often overlaps with other patterns of control, especially coercive control, and can continue even after a relationship has ended.
Some common signs include:
Unfamiliar apps, logins or changes to your accounts
Devices overheating, draining quickly or acting unpredictably
Location tracking or being questioned about your movements
Smart home devices or cameras activating unexpectedly
Someone referencing private messages or information
Technology abuse is increasingly common, but support is available to help you understand what’s happening and take steps to protect your safety.
Read more: Understanding technology-facilitated abuse
A practical guide to how devices and accounts can be misused, what warning signs to look for, and how to protect your digital safety.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse is when someone controls your access to money, making it harder to make decisions or support yourself independently.
This can show up as small restrictions at first, like needing to explain what you spend, being given limited access to money or feeling like you have to ask permission for everyday things. Over time, it can create a sense of dependence that makes it difficult to leave or make choices freely.
Some common signs include:
Limited or no access to your own bank accounts
Being questioned or criticised about how you spend money
Not being able to work, or being forced to work without control over income
Debt or financial commitments being made in your name
Feeling like you don’t have enough money to meet basic needs
Financial abuse often sits alongside other forms of control, but it can be one of the biggest barriers to leaving. When access to money is restricted, options can feel limited, even when you know something isn’t right.
Read more: How to spot the red flags of financial abuse
A deeper look at how financial control shows up in relationships, why it can feel so difficult to leave, and what support is available.
Love bombing
Love bombing can initially feel like everything you’ve been looking for – intense attention, constant communication, big gestures and talk of a future together very early on.
At first, it can be hard to see anything wrong with it. The relationship moves quickly, and the attention can feel exciting or reassuring. But over time, that intensity can start to feel overwhelming, especially if your boundaries aren’t being respected or things feel like they’re moving faster than you’re comfortable with.
Some common signs include:
Rapid declarations of love or commitment early on
Constant messaging or pressure to stay in contact
Grand gestures or gifts that feel excessive
Pushing past your boundaries or not taking “no” seriously
Wanting to spend all your time together, often at the expense of other relationships
On its own, this behaviour doesn’t always mean someone is abusive. But it can be an early warning sign, especially when it’s followed by shifts in behaviour, pressure or control.
Read more: What is love bombing?
Learn how to tell the difference between genuine affection and manipulation, what patterns to look for, and what to do if something doesn’t feel right.
Supporting someone you’re worried about
Sometimes recognising abuse doesn’t happen in your own relationship, but in someone else’s.
Perhaps you’ve noticed a friend has gotten quieter, become more withdrawn, or they’re just not quite themselves. Maybe they stop seeing people as often, avoid certain conversations, or seem anxious in ways that are hard to explain.
It’s normal to feel unsure about what to do. You might worry about getting it wrong, overstepping, or making things worse.
You don’t need to have the right words or all the answers. Often, the most helpful thing you can do is notice, check in and listen without judgement.
Some small ways to support someone include:
Gently checking in and letting them know you’ve noticed a change
Listening without trying to fix or solve the situation
Respecting their pace and decisions, even if you don’t fully understand them
Staying connected so they don’t feel isolated
Helping them find support if and when they’re ready
Support doesn’t have to be big or dramatic to matter. Being someone they can trust and return to can make a real difference over time.
Read more: How to support someone you know experiencing domestic violence
A practical guide to recognising the signs, starting a safe conversation, and supporting someone without taking control away from them.
Where can I get help recognising abuse in Queensland?
If you’re unsure about what you’re experiencing, you can speak to someone confidentially at any time. In Queensland, you can contact:
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – a national service offering 24/7 counselling, advice and support
DVConnect Womensline (1800 811 811) – a Queensland-based service providing crisis support, safety planning and pathways to accommodation.
You don’t need to be in immediate danger or have everything figured out to reach out. These services can help you talk through what’s happening and understand your options.
You can also explore The Handy Guide service directory to find local support services, including housing, legal advice, financial support and counselling.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000).
Common questions about recognising abuse
Is this abuse or am I overthinking it?
If you’re questioning whether something is abuse, it’s worth paying attention to.
Abuse often creates confusion and self-doubt, especially when it isn’t physical or happens alongside moments of care or normality. You might find yourself replaying conversations, second-guessing your reactions or wondering if you’re the problem.
You don’t need to be certain for your experience to matter. If something feels off consistently, or leaves you feeling anxious, unsettled or unsure of yourself, it’s worth taking seriously.
Is it abuse if it’s not physical?
Yes. Abuse does not have to be physical to be real or harmful.
Many forms of abuse are non-physical, including emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse and technology-facilitated abuse. These behaviours are often about control rather than force, and can have lasting impacts on your confidence, independence and sense of safety.
In many cases, non-physical abuse appears earlier and can escalate over time.
How do I know if I’m in an abusive relationship?
Abusive relationships are usually defined by patterns, not one-off incidents.
Some common indicators include feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, being blamed for things you didn’t cause, having your independence limited, or noticing that your confidence and sense of self have changed over time.
You may not have a single moment you can point to. Instead, it often feels like a gradual shift in how the relationship works, and how safe or in control you feel within it.
Why do I feel like everything is my fault in this relationship?
Feeling like everything is your fault can be a sign of emotional abuse or manipulation.
Some people use blame, criticism or gaslighting to shift responsibility and maintain control. Over time, this can make you doubt your own judgement and take responsibility for things that aren’t yours to carry.
If raising concerns often leads to you apologising, defending yourself or questioning your own reality, that dynamic is worth paying attention to.
Is it a red flag if things are moving really fast?
It can be, especially if the pace feels intense or uncomfortable.
In healthy relationships, connection tends to build gradually, with space for boundaries, independence and mutual decision-making. When things move very quickly – such as early declarations of love, pressure to commit, or constant contact – it can sometimes be a sign of love bombing.
On its own, moving fast doesn’t always mean something is wrong. But if it’s combined with pressure, boundary-crossing or later shifts in behaviour, it’s worth taking seriously.