How to leave a relationship when you’re financially dependent

“Many women are presented with a dire choice: do they stay and risk the violence continuing or even escalating, or leave and face the high probability of a life of ‘policy-induced poverty’?” - Dr Anne Summers AO in ‘The Choice: Violence or Poverty’

Breakups are always tough, but when you’re facing the possibility of homelessness, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Financial dependence can often trap people in toxic – or even abusive – relationships.

For those already in a vulnerable situation, the negative and painful feelings that come with a relationship ending can be incredibly damaging. Women’s earnings typically fall by 55 per cent in the first five years of parenthood, while men’s earnings remain unchanged. This financial disparity often traps women in harmful relationships, making it impossible to leave.

Data from the 2016 Personal Safety Survey (PSS) indicated that an estimated 275,000 Australian women suffered physical and/or sexual violence from their current partner. A staggering 30 per cent of these women had temporarily left their violent partner but later returned, primarily due to financial constraints or having nowhere else to go.

For 15 per cent of these women, returning to their abuser simply seemed to be a better choice than facing homelessness.

If you’re thinking of leaving – or have already left – a relationship with no money, the road ahead will seem daunting. But you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to rebuild your life. Here are some tips to get you back on your feet and help you regain your independence.

Safety first

If you are leaving a domestic violence situation, prioritise the safety of yourself, your children, and your family.

If the incident is happening now, or someone is in immediate danger, contact Queensland Police Service on Triple Zero (000), or use this online form to request police contact. You can also contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or DV Connect on 1800 811 811.

For more details on establishing a safety plan, including considerations for leaving with children or deciding to stay, explore our article on getting ready to leave, or refer to our comprehensive Handy Guide directory for a list of social support services near you.

Know your housing rights

Whether you rent or own a property, it’s important to know your rights regarding your home, especially after a breakup.

• Joint tenancy or ownership: If you and your ex-partner both signed the tenancy agreement or the property deeds, your rights will differ from those of a sole tenant or owner.

• Sole tenancy or ownership: If your ex-partner is the sole tenant or owner, they may have the right to ask you to leave. Your right to stay would depend on their permission unless you can demonstrate a legal right to remain, such as a domestic relationship.

• Marital status: If you are married, you may still have matrimonial home rights, even if you’re not named on the tenancy agreement or deeds. Under Australian family law, you might have the right to live in the home if you have lived there together as a family. These rights typically end if you get divorced. For instance, in Queensland, even if one partner is not named on the property title, they may still have a claim based on contributions to the household or family.

For detailed advice, consider consulting a solicitor who specialises in family law. This can help ensure you know your rights and options during this difficult transition.

Explore housing options

If you are not in a position to rent a place on your own, securing a place to live with roommates is a more affordable, practical solution. Here are some suggestions to help you find a stable living situation:

• Find a roommate: Look for share houses or private homeowners renting out rooms. Websites like Flatmates or Flatmate Finders are handy online platforms. Local Facebook groups for women looking for housing can also be helpful. Or, try advertising that you are in need of a roommate; that way, you might find someone with similar housing needs and look for a place together.

• Flexible or alternative living arrangements: Consider boarding houses that might not require a lease and offer month-to-month payments, including utilities. You could also look for elderly individuals with an affordable room to rent in exchange for company and light care.

• Student areas: If you’re near a university, finding roommates can be easier. Students often seek roommates, and these situations typically don’t require large deposits.

• Long-term house-sitting: If you have a clean record and are responsible, long-term house sitting could be a viable option.

• Employment with housing: Consider jobs that provide housing, such as nannying, camps, cruise ships, hotel management, farming, hospitals, and more.

While some of these options might be unconventional, they are worth considering for a stable living situation that supports your long-term well-being. But always remember, safety first – meet potential roommates multiple times before moving in together. If you get bad feelings about someone, don't rent from them.

There are good, safe options out there, so trust your instincts.

Find employment

Securing stable employment is critical for maintaining independence and ensuring financial stability. Here are some practical tips to help you find or increase your income:

• Temp agencies: Temporary jobs often lead to full-time positions, so check in with local employment agencies that can connect you with temporary work matching your skills and availability.

• Side hustles: Start a side gig like Uber or DoorDash to provide an additional income stream. Just be cautious with gig economy jobs as they can be hard on your vehicle and the cost/benefit may not always be favourable.

• Freelance work: Look for freelance opportunities in your field of expertise. Websites like Upwork, Fiverr and Freelancer can help you find gigs that match your skills.

• Event staffing: If you live in a city with stadiums or large venues, look into event staff or concierge services. These jobs are often flexible and can be fun, though they may involve a lot of standing around. Staffing agencies can help you find these roles quickly and work around your existing schedule.

• Skill enhancement: Consider enrolling in TAFE courses or online certifications in fields that interest you. These courses can help increase your employment potential and open doors to better opportunities.

By exploring these options, you can find ways to stabilise your income and build a more secure financial future.

Get savvy with money

When leaving a relationship, especially with limited resources, it’s important to learn how to manage your money wisely. Here are some helpful tips to get you started:

1. Open your own bank account. If you previously had a joint account, open a new one in your name. Online banks can be beneficial if you’re unsure where you’ll settle.

2. Make a budget. Use tools like those on MoneySmart’s website to create and stick to a budget. Cut all unnecessary spending and focus your budget on the essentials, like rent, utilities, food and fuel. Avoid any purchases that don’t align with your immediate goals.

3. Sell and return unneeded items. Sell items you don’t need and return what you have. You can replace these items once you’re financially stable.

4. Address debts. Write down all debts and repayment plans. The National Debt Hotline is a resource with free, confidential advice on dealing with debt – contact them if it becomes overwhelming.

5. Start your emergency fund. Save as much as you can into an emergency fund that can cover a few months’ rent. Setting up automatic transfers to savings can ensure consistent contributions.

6. Check for unclaimed money. If you’ve ever changed your name or address, there’s a chance you may have unclaimed funds owed to you, such as from old bank accounts or insurance policies. You can search for your unclaimed money on MoneySmart.

7. Seek professional advice. Free financial counselors can provide unbiased advice and help you create a solid financial plan. They can assist you with improving your financial situation, negotiating with creditors, and exploring alternatives to bankruptcy. Find a financial counselor on the National Debt Hotline’s website, or check out other online resources like MoneySmart, which offers tools and tips to manage money.

Stay positive

It’s important to stay positive and be kind to yourself during this challenging time. Remember, it’s okay if things don’t go as planned.

One of life’s greatest aspects is the opportunity for a fresh start. Although it’s a scary situation, exploring your options and putting a plan in place can provide you with a sense of direction and control. It might not be easy to do it alone, but it’s a step towards a better future, free from a harmful relationship.

Embrace the process, acknowledge your strength, and take each day one step at a time. Your resilience and determination will guide you through to a brighter, more secure future.