How to support someone you know experiencing domestic violence
Feb 23, 2026
Realising that someone you know might be experiencing domestic or family violence can be deeply unsettling. It’s rarely obvious. More often, it starts with a growing sense that something isn’t right, followed by questions you don’t yet have answers to: What if I’m wrong? What if I make things worse?
Supporting someone in this situation isn’t about having the perfect response. It’s about noticing changes, opening space for a private conversation, following their lead on next steps and knowing when to get extra help. You don’t need to fix what’s happening, but steady support and access to the right services can make a real difference.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000). Confidential support is also available through 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or DVConnect on 1800 811 811.
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Knowing how to support someone safely can feel overwhelming. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing, making the situation worse, or not knowing where to turn for help. That hesitation is common, and it’s one of the reasons people stay silent.
To help navigate that uncertainty, we spoke with Jo Mason from Workhaven, an organisation that works with workplaces and communities to address domestic and family violence in practical, trauma-informed ways.
“Sometimes support starts with understanding what domestic and family violence looks like,” Jo says, “and feeling confident enough to lean in and have that really important conversation.”
Recognising the signs
Domestic and family violence often shows up through changes in behaviour and loss of freedom or control; not just physical injuries.
Domestic and family violence doesn’t always look the way people expect. Many people don’t disclose what’s happening because they’re frightened, worried about their safety, or concerned about stigma.
People may fear being seen as a “victim”, worry they’ll be blamed for staying, or feel ashamed that the violence happened at all. That shame can make it harder to speak up, even when someone wants help.
“Nobody who’s experiencing domestic and family violence should feel embarrassed or carry that shame,” Jo says. “It’s not theirs to carry. It belongs with the person using the violence.”
Common signs someone may be experiencing domestic and family violence
Domestic and family violence can show up in many ways. Someone may:
Become withdrawn, quieter or less socially connected than they used to be
Avoid talking about home or shut down when the topic comes up
Seem anxious, fearful, low in confidence or constantly stressed
Have limited access to their own money or feel they need to justify everyday spending
Struggle with work attendance, concentration or reliability due to stress or safety concerns
Have injuries or bruises they try to conceal with clothing or makeup
“There are a range of different ways it can show,” Jo explains. “It’s very complex, and every situation is different.”
Because the word violence is often associated with physical harm, people may also worry they won’t be believed if there are no visible injuries. This can make non-physical forms of abuse – such as emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse or social isolation – even harder to recognise or talk about.
If a friend seems to be losing freedom, confidence or connection over time, that can be just as significant as any physical sign.
Do I have a responsibility to act?
You don’t need proof to care, but noticing changes and gently checking in can interrupt silence and isolation.
If you’re worried about someone, it’s normal to feel unsure about stepping in. Many people hesitate because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, making the situation worse, or putting themselves at risk.
But ignoring your concerns can also have consequences.
“The behaviour we choose to walk past is the behaviour we choose to accept,” Jo says. “One of the drivers of violence is how normalised it’s become. And part of that is turning a blind eye.”
Acting doesn’t mean confronting the person using violence or trying to ‘fix’ the situation for your friend. Often, the most powerful step is simply leaning in and starting a careful, respectful conversation.
In most cases, acting means noticing, listening and offering support – not taking control away from the person.
How to support someone safely
Safe support starts with listening, moving slowly and letting the person experiencing violence guide what happens next.
Starting the conversation can feel daunting, but it doesn’t need to be dramatic or confrontational.
“Don’t jump into the conversation with the phrase ‘domestic and family violence’,” Jo says. “Be really gentle.” After all, you may not be correct in your observations or the person may be jarred or triggered by a more direct approach.
Simple, open statements can be enough, such as:
You seem a bit different lately. Are you okay?
You don’t seem like yourself. I just wanted to check in.
These kinds of check-ins are often the safest way to talk to a friend about domestic violence, especially if you’re unsure what’s happening. They can share as much or as little as they want, when they’re ready.
Have these conversations privately, in a quiet and safe space where they won’t feel overheard or pressured.
“It’s about putting the person at the centre of the conversation,” Jo explains. “Let them tell you what they need, rather than deciding for them.”
Many people won’t share everything the first time. They may test the waters, see how you respond and build trust gradually. Often, being a steady, non-judgemental listener is more supportive than advice, pressure or ‘tough love’.
Once someone has opened up, it can be tempting to spring into action. But practical support works best when it’s guided by the person experiencing harm. After all, they understand their situation and potential risks better than anyone.
“One of the worst things about domestic violence is that you lose control over your own life,” Jo says. “If we jump in and start telling someone what to do, we’re just adding to that problem.”
A simple and powerful starting point is asking:
What do you need from me right now?
Depending on what they want and what feels safe, practical support might include:
Sitting with them while they speak to HR, a manager or another trusted person
Helping temporarily with work tasks or deadlines
Connecting them with a domestic violence support service
Being with them while they call a support line or attend a police station
Checking in regularly so they know they’re not alone
Helping them think through a basic safety plan if risk escalates
What matters most is that these actions are led by the person experiencing violence, not decided for them.
Read Next: How Workplaces Can Support Victims Of Domestic Violence
Knowing when to escalate, and how to do it safely
Supporting someone through domestic and family violence often raises a difficult question: when does concern become a safety issue that requires outside help?
In most situations, it’s important that the person experiencing violence stays in control of decisions about what happens next. Trust, choice and autonomy are critical, particularly when someone has already had control taken away from them.
There is one important exception.
If someone is at immediate or serious risk of harm – to themselves, their children, or others – emergency services should be contacted straight away.
In Queensland, that means calling Triple Zero (000).
Outside of immediate danger, specialist domestic and family violence services can provide counselling, safety planning, legal information and practical support. These services are most effective when the person experiencing violence chooses to engage with them.
As someone offering support, your role might be to:
Let them know what support services exist
Help find local options
Share contact details
Offer to sit with them while they make a call or attend an appointment
The key is offering support, not making decisions for them.
What if they go back?
Returning to a relationship doesn’t mean support has failed. It often reflects the complex realities people are navigating.
Supporting someone through domestic and family violence can be emotionally exhausting. Many people expect that once someone leaves, they’ll stay away, but in reality, it’s often more complicated.
Relationships involving violence can be cyclical. People may leave, return, reassess and leave again as they weigh safety, finances, children, housing and emotional ties. None of this means the support you’ve offered hasn’t mattered.
“It takes courage, persistence and patience to support someone through domestic and family violence,” Jo says.
Withdrawing support or making it conditional on them leaving can unintentionally increase isolation.
“If support becomes conditional, it adds another layer of pressure,” Jo explains. “And domestic and family violence is already isolating.”
Staying connected in small, ordinary ways – even if you need to adjust how often or how deeply you engage – can help reduce isolation without overwhelming you.
You can set boundaries without disappearing or cutting someone off. Being honest about what you can offer is often safer and more sustainable than withdrawing completely.
Above all, trust matters.
“Confidentiality is really important,” Jo says. “What someone shares with you isn’t yours to pass on, unless there’s a serious and immediate risk of harm.”
Domestic and family violence can affect where someone lives, their physical and mental health, their finances, their work, their social connections and the time they get to spend with their children. It is far more than a difficult phase in a relationship – the impacts can be long-lasting and far-reaching.
The most important thing you can do is respect the person’s choices and their knowledge. Someone living with violence understands their risks better than anyone else.
And when you’re unsure what to do next, keep coming back to one grounding question:
How can I support you right now?
“You don’t need to have all the answers,” Jo says. “Being willing to notice, to listen and to lean in – safely and respectfully – can make a real difference.”
If you’re unsure how to support someone, or you need guidance yourself, confidential help is available. Call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for advice and support, whether you’re directly affected or supporting someone else.
